She’s been around for months now. Her presence growing gradually over time. Inching me out of the picture little by little.
I ignored the approaching danger. Blamed it all on other things.
At first, I even felt a little free. Words and actions weren’t so guarded. If I felt it, I said it.
You see, I’ve been reined in all my life. The good girl you know? Doing my best to “live a life above reproach,” like I learned in school.
Life in the fishbowl.
Set the example.
This new woman was intoxicating. A free spirit, fun and witty. She wasn’t bound by decorum. Patience wasn’t making her think before she spoke.
So I started to give her more room…not realizing she was the one calling the shots. My stern glances when she went too far were ignored…and I know she saw them.
I’d open my mouth to bring on a reprimand, she’d twirl away. Pretty soon I realized…. I was up against the wall.
The furniture had been crammed in front of me, effectively hemming me in on all sides. Giving her more room to dance.
There she’d go again, frantically twirling in the middle of the room, laughing. This wasn’t sweet fairy tale princess dancing. It was primal, manic, frightening.
There were times she would play with me like a marionette. Making me dance all night with her. I was exhausted, not allowed to sleep. Only when she was tired of playing would she toss me away.
She would hurl things across the room of my mind. Screaming. Then, as if sorry for her rage, the tears would pour out before bursting into more laughter as another chair flew, crashing into the wall.
Sometimes, she would sit in the middle of the room quietly, mindlessly playing with her hair. Staring at me surrounded in furniture. She couldn’t understand my problem. Why was I such a stick in the mud?
Those are the times I dreaded the most.
That’s when she would start in with the “what ifs.”
What if you crashed your car right now?
What if Stacy just dropped from your arms?
What if you just drove away and never came back?
She had taken over. Sure, here and there she would let me stretch my legs, but not for long. A day or two here, an hour or so there. But then I’d be back against the wall at her mercy.
I had no where to go…
This has been me for almost four months now. It’s been the scariest, most frustrating, and saddest time of my life.
The other woman took over so gradually, didn’t realize until a month ago that I had no more control.
I’m sure it sounds cliche, but I never thought it could happen to me.
I never thought I would have to battle postpartum depression. “Battle” seems to light. More like “war.”
It’s a strange feeling. Being trapped by your own mind. Some people think you can just “snap out of it,” and I admit, I thought I could.
I wished I could.
I prayed I could.
The brain may only weigh three pounds…but it’s powerful. It had me effectively trapped. Pitted against myself in a fight to the death and I was on the losing end.
But I’ve called in for reinforcements and I’m fighting back. Between my awesome, hubby, my dear online prayer sisters, and working with my doctor, that other woman is starting to pack her things.
I am hoping it won’t be long until she is gone for good.