Why not me?

If you are visiting for the first time today, welcome! Below is my most recent post and I just haven’t had a chance to update anything yet, but I should have something a bit more cheery up by tomorrow. In the meantime…

I can’t help it, I’m trying to fight back these emotions, but they are rising to the surface without my permission.  Tears threaten to start trickling from my eyes and I have no way to prevent their flow from coming. I wish they were happy tears, ones of joy and celebration, but they just aren’t this time.  They are full of longing, hurt, and I admit they are of jealousy, too.  I don’t want them to be, believe me…but right now I just can’t help myself.

I want to be the one feeling the physical exhaustion of carrying my child, to have gone through those months of inescapable nausea.  To be the one whose feet have begun to swell and plumpness to begin showing in my face.  Oh the sweet planning of their arrival.  The days wondering how we can afford to take care of our bundle of joy.  Stressing over whether or not we’ll be good parents or if we’ll mess everything up.  Praying over our child each morning, anticipating the day they burst forth into the world.  But that joy isn’t mine to taste right now.  I am not six months pregnant, I am six months into my mourning.

That grief rises to the surface each time a new friend shares their joy with me, I wish that wasn’t the case. Each time I hear how quickly it came for them it brings out a jealousy that I didn’t know was inside my heart. After their first try, while he was home on leave, or just by accident. Why not me? For over a year we have been trying. What is God waiting for? What is it we need to change? How long will He have us wait?

I know His timing is perfect.  I know that everything He does…or doesn’t do…has a good purpose. I know my time will come…however that may look. I do find comfort in knowing these things, in trusting Him. I’m human and God has given me the full array of emotions to use and enjoy, but I’m not enjoying this feeling of longing, this hurt, this loss, this sadness, and I don’t like this pang of jealousy.

I pray that all of my friends who are pregnant…and right now I have five who are where I would like to be…I pray that they and their children will be healthy.  That as the time draws near, everything will go smoothly.  I pray for peace, joy, and love to follow them every day of their lives.  I truly am happy for them, even if I am still asking…why not me.

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11 thoughts on “Why not me?

  1. Thank you for shaing that. I feel the same way but in a different way. I feel that about the husband I am waiting for. Praying for you
    Chelle

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  2. Oh, Heather, I know exactly what you’re talking about. Recently, a friend announced her pregnancy with a due date that was supposed to be my due date. She showed a sonogram picture that could just as easily have been my baby, except it wasn’t. It’s not her fault, and I’m happy for her, but sad for me and trying to just keep on keeping on.

    And my grandmother died the day I was getting the news that I had miscarried. So I kinda used her funeral and all of God’s promises celebrated in that day as a reminder that that same set of promises applied to our little “tadpole”. I don’t know if you had some of the same feelings going to a funeral the week of your miscarriage, too.

    Agreed about all the same things of knowing this wasn’t the time that God intended and this wasn’t the pregnancy that was supposed to bring us a baby. Yet. Or maybe this way. I find that this longing flares up and eases over time and I never really know what might make me cry. Just know you’re not alone in that, and there’s no shame in it.

    ((Hugs))

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  3. Oh, honey, I’m so sorry for the turmoil you feel. I understand the questioning and the anguish while at the same time being truly happy for your friends. I’ve been there too. It’s so hard to know the reasons why and to accept that we may never know why. But you are right. God’s timing is perfect. He has a reason. He loves you and doesn’t want you to hurt. Remember that God’s strength is made perfect in our weakness. When we are weak, we are more likely to seek His face. He is there to comfort you and love you and see you through this difficult time.
    But remember too, that it’s okay to question and wonder why. God made us and knows our nature is to question. The only time that questioning becomes sinful is when we let it draw us away from God and His purpose for our lives. And He does have a purpose for your life. Remember “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11.
    He has a plan for your future and the future of your family. He has hope for you. Give this situation to God and let Him give you peace.
    I will pray for you to have God’s peace that overcomes the pain you are feeling. You are not alone.

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  4. Sweet heather. I love your heart that bleeds the truth. I wish I had the answers to ease your pain. Sometimes there are just none to be found. You have His truth written on your heart…you are His…and you know He loves you…loss hurts none the less. What is it about grief that makes us so fearful to feel it? I just don’t know…but embrace it sister. Sometimes the tears just need to flow. And flow and flow. They will pass but don’t rush them away. God keeps each tear in a jar…each is important. And he feels the weight of your pain. In time it will pass. But for now it just is. Love through it sister like I know you are. And know you are loved. Very much loved.

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  5. I know the feeling Heather in a totally different capacity – the joys of having a “normal” child. I feel jealousy for those parents who have been able to let their children go as nature intended instead of being a full time parent to a 22 year old autistic child who has a life threatening illness. Those parents who get to look forward to dating, THE girl and a wedding with hopes of grandchildren. I am still doing the sleepless nights and wondering will I ever get to the next stage – it’s unlikely. I know all those things too you mentioned and I know his life can be gone just like that so I should treasure each day but 22 years of nonstop stress and sleep wears on even the most attentive person. I will pray for you Heather and I pray that God blesses you with your hearts desire!!!

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  6. Dear Friend, I am sorry for the pain you are in on this road you walk. I’ve trod on this road, too. I was way older than I wanted to be by the time we finally conceived my daughter, and the years leading up to that joyful moment were ones filled with stress and questioning God. I wanted to be genuinely happy for friends and family who were expecting, and I tried to be…but I was also in so much pain inside — it hurt. I mourned birthdays and especially Mother’s Day every year because it was ANOTHER turn of the calendar that I wasn’t a Mom. But I can also tell you very honestly that, in hindsight, God had a plan. And He had timing in mind. There were things I needed to learn and heal in order to be READY to be the Mom that He knew I could be…And He was right, of course. When I look back now I can see how things would have been harder (more for my family than me) if we had Sophia any earlier in our lives. I am thankful for His timing, even though it was SO hard waiting. During the waiting, I tried to be praiseful and focus my attention on other things and not stress the pregnancy issue. I prayed and asked God to help me NOT make it my focus, and He helped me. I am going to remember you in my prayers…

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  7. Hi Heather,

    You just mirrored my exact feelings, immediately I opened this blog – I wanted to close it but something caught my eye and I read it. I too had a miscarriage at 5 months early this year and this is a pregnancy that I have been praying for for more than 2 years. I still grieve for the loss while praying for another miracle. Recently my friend who got married just a month before i did put to bed so did my sister and I felt the pain all over again – in fact I cried my eyes out, I was in the bathroom for more that 30mins just crying and praying.
    All things will be made perfect in God’s own time, we just have to hold on – NEVER give up, don’t give in to the lies of the Devil. Keep on fighting! if there is one thing I am learning from this experience, is that when finally God answers our prayers, all this waiting, hopeing and longing will be a thing of the past, we would hardly remember them.
    I join my faith with yours today, and all others who are desperately longing for this gift from God.
    Thanks for sharing,
    Love Olayinka

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  8. Hi Heather,
    I am so sorry for your loss. I know exactly what you are going through. Nine yrs ago I had two miscarriages. I wanted a baby more than anything and when I finally got pregnant I was so happy, then was told by the dr that the baby wasn’t developing. I was heart broken. I found out not long after I lost the baby that a close friend of mine who wasn’t even trying, was pregnant. I was happy for her and jealous at the same time. When I got pregnant the second time, I miscarried a week before my first dr visit. I was crushed. I went through depression and not understanding why. I still don’t have the answers, but I had faith. I knew in my heart that God would give me a baby. I read Psalm 20 every day. And kept vs 4 close to my heart, “May he give you the desires of your heart and make all your plans succeed.” God kept that promise and gave me a baby. I now have two beautiful little girls. It is so hard to understand why things like this happen, but God is good and he is faithful. We don’t understand his timing, but it is perfect. You will be in my prayers.
    Love, Kim

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